I was hoping to have been given a date for my weight loss surgery today, but, the nurse who is in charge of this was out. I did have an appointment for the mandatory “information” class about the various surgeries. Having been through this before for my lap band surgery in 2006, it really was repetitive to me, but, a decent refresher. I want to give this 100% of course, so I told my doctor I did not mind repeating the class.
I was, however, very disappointed when I found out I have to now wait for another phone call to find out my surgery date. I’m just “ready” and want to know of course. I guess I want it to come faster so I don’t have time to be nervous or get anxious. I get anxious easy and panic attacks are an issue, so I’m trying to keep my head “in check”!
I was away over the weekend and sadly gained 3 pounds. I am so disgusted with my weight that I cannot even deal with myself. Ever since the lap band dilated, I’ve been seeing the pounds creep back on and now with it completely removed, I can just eat volumes if I don’t stop myself.
I need to start my food journal now and I’m returning back to post-op habits even though I’m still a ways away from surgery. I really really want to lose some weight before surgery – I just feel like: “how do I do this?” In the past year I’ve gone on so many different regimens to no avail. I even went on the HCG diet (know it?) and lost 7 lbs..whoopie, a whopping 7 pounds – that is it. A complete drag.
I have to keep positive and continue to focus on how my life will be when I can do more things. I have to remember that I’ll be recreating my life. Instead of going out for coffee and conversation, it will be a walk on the beach and conversation. I will be able to hike, or zip line, or resume signing up for 5K’s again – I can hardly wait. I miss having the freedom to do these things….I hate myself for packing these 70 pounds back on – but I at least I’m doing something about it.
There are so many reasons to beat ourselves up in life. There are so many reasons to be disappointed, disgusted and angry with ourselves… but imagine a world where those feelings didn’t exist and we just said: “Hey, good for me, I’m doing ‘this’ today”. I’d like to live in that world, but – I don’t.
Size matters. Weight matters. Everything we eat matters. Every thought matters. And the fact of the matter is – when we are overweight, obese, unhealthy, etc., our thoughts are going to have a very hard time being positive. It’s just the way it is here on Earth.
I will close with this quote today: