Disappointing day today

I was hoping to have been given a date for my weight loss surgery today, but, the nurse who is in charge of this was out.  I did have an appointment for the mandatory “information” class about the various surgeries.  Having been through this before for my lap band surgery in 2006, it really was repetitive to me, but, a decent refresher.  I want to give this 100% of course, so I told my doctor I did not mind repeating the class.

I was, however, very disappointed when I found out I have to now wait for another phone call to find out my surgery date.  I’m just “ready” and want to know of course.  I guess I want it to come faster so I don’t have time to be nervous or get anxious.  I get anxious easy and panic attacks are an issue, so I’m trying to keep my head “in check”!

I was away over the weekend and sadly gained 3 pounds. I am so disgusted with my weight that I cannot even deal with myself.  Ever since the lap band dilated, I’ve been seeing the pounds creep back on and now with it completely removed, I can just eat volumes if I don’t stop myself.

I need to start my food journal now and I’m returning back to post-op habits even though I’m still a ways away from surgery. I really really want to lose some weight before surgery – I just feel like:  “how do I do this?”  In the past year I’ve gone on so many different regimens to no avail.  I even went on the HCG diet (know it?) and lost 7 lbs..whoopie, a whopping 7 pounds – that is it.  A complete drag.

I have to keep positive and continue to focus on how my life will be when I can do more things. I have to remember that I’ll be recreating my life. Instead of going out for coffee and conversation, it will be a walk on the beach and conversation. I will be able to hike, or zip line, or resume signing up for 5K’s again – I can hardly wait.  I miss having the freedom to do these things….I hate myself for packing these 70 pounds back on – but I at least I’m doing something about it.

There are so many reasons to beat ourselves up in life. There are so many reasons to be disappointed, disgusted and angry with ourselves… but imagine a world where those feelings didn’t exist and we just said: “Hey, good for me, I’m doing ‘this’ today”.  I’d like to live in that world, but – I don’t.

Size matters.  Weight matters.  Everything we eat matters. Every thought matters.  And the fact of the matter is – when we are overweight, obese, unhealthy, etc., our thoughts are going to have a very hard time being positive.  It’s just the way it is here on Earth.

I will close with this quote today:  “People don’t resist change, they resist being changed.”  Dean Ornish

 

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About The Wellness Sleuth

Hi, my name is Kat and I live on the east coast in the southern US. I'm a mom of a grown-up human and a furry puppy. I am a Software Engineer, Coach and small busines owner. I published a book in 2007 and keep meaning to start on #2...so, maybe blogging will nudge me along! Please check out the "about" page at thewellnesssleuth.wordpress.com to learn more about this Wellness Sleuth.
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2 Responses to Disappointing day today

  1. catijoefarm says:

    It’s easy for me to say “Don’t be hard on yourself”. I do the same exact thing. I saw the doc a month ago and he said he would like me to lose 15-20 lbs before the surgery. Have I done that? Nope. I’ve been eating like it’s my job and I’m the CEO. I’m a stress eater and it seems the more I try to reign it in,the worse it gets. One of my greatest fears is what if I fail at this (surgery) too? I have been on so many diets, eating plans, etc. and I’m still here at 310 lbs. Ugh! See, beating myself up comes so easy. Okay, rant over. You can do this. I can do this. We WILL succeed!!

    Cath

    • Thank you for writing Cath ! I hear you, believe me. I know we will do this and this is why we are having surgery – because we need help. My surgeon put it to me very logically..he said: “Those diets out there are fine if someone needs to lose 10 or 15 pounds, but for someone with obesity they aren’t going to work long-term because they cannot take away your hunger.” He put it right- the surgery takes away/seriously reduces hunger. I feel like I just want to blink my eyes, have it be Christmas and I am 60 pounds lighter! Maybe more! I too was once where you are…at my heaviest I was 330 pounds. I lost 50 pounds on Nutrisystem (this was in 2001) and in 2006 I was still teetering around 270 so I had lap band surgery. I lost 95 pounds with it, until it basically “broke” in 2012…here I am, 70 pounds packed back on. So, I hear ya. But at least I can say the surgery did work for me. You are having the bypass, is that correct? I forget what I read, sorry! The band worked but it was a lot harder to lose than it will be with the bypass…I completely wish I did the bypass in 06 at the start, but – I guess I wasn’t ready then. I am definitely ready now – I want to do this once and for all then be able to keep it off for the rest of my life. I know it won’t be easy, but not many things in life are, are they? 🙂

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